Of Shadows And Secrets
by AndromedaeStarStorm69
Summary: Jon and Lyara know what their feelings will mean once they take the Black. Can love truly conquer all, even in the shadows, or will the love that bound them together despite all odds drive them apart? Sequel to Is It Ever Too Late, inspired by the beautiful songs of Avril Lavigne. Jon SnowXOC
1. Prologue:The Beginning Of The End

So, this is the second instalment in the Love In the Dark Trilogy, sequel to Is It Ever Too Late-I give you...Of Shadows And Secrets.

Prologue

'**Doubt thou the stars are fire,**

**Doubt thou that the sun doth move,**

**Doubt truth to be a liar,**

**But never doubt I love.'**

_**William Shakespeare, Hamlet.**_

**Orla**

"Richard! RICHARD!" I cried, running out to my husband's forge.

"Orla? What is it, sweetling?" he asked. "What's happened?"

"Oh, Richard, it's Lyara!" His countenance grew grave. He refused to speak of Lyara, not wanting to tear open the healing scar that had its origins in my sending her away. In truth, he missed her. We all did. "She never arrived in King's Landing. I have a letter from the High Septon himself, asking why she has not yet come to the Capital when we said she'd be there within a month. She's been missing for two!"

"What?! How? Wasn't that where she went?"

"I told you before; I don't know where she went! She just disappeared, and that's what I assumed because she took Copper with her! She could be lying dead somewhere, she didn't even take anything to defend herself-her bow and sword are in her old room-" I choked on a sob. "What are we going to do? Lord Stark is in the Capital, Lady Stark has vanished, and they've left only young Robb and that Jon Snow in their place." Richard frowned, trying to mask the look of fright that had flashed over his features originally. What could I do? I was only a woman, whose foster daughter was missing and whose husband was just as scared as her.

Copper was my mare that I'd given to Lyara to take her safely to the Capital. Apparently, either that hadn't worked or Lyara had run off.

"I think we should have a word with Jon," Richard growled.

When we did get an audience with Robb Stark, it gave only disappointment. His half-brother was not there.

"Jon has gone to the Night's Watch. I'm sorry, but I don't know where Lyara is," he told us. "I can send a raven to Castle Black if you so wish, but she was Jon's lifelong friend, and I do not want to upset him by giving him the news that Lyara is missing, especially considering he cannot do anything about it. By now he is a Sworn Brother of the Night's Watch, and he is not able to leave the Wall without express permission of the Lord Commander."

"Our daughter has disappeared. He would be the first to know where she is," I said as politely as I could in my frustration.

"I don't think so. As I said, I can send a raven."

We refused and thanked him for his time, and as soon as we got home I burst into tears. "I think I know where Lyara is," I wept as Richard cradled me.

"We can't do anything, Orla. If she's discovered she'll be executed," he reasoned quietly.


	2. Can I Do This Any More?

I don't own Game of Thrones, I'm With You by Avril Lavigne or A Song of Ice and Fire.

Chapter One

**Lyara**

_I'm standing on a bridge  
I'm waiting in the dark  
I thought that you'd be here by now_

_There's nothing but the rain  
No footsteps on the ground  
I'm listening but there's no sound_

"You came to us as outlaws-poachers, rapers, killers, thieves. You came alone, in chains, without friends nor honour," Mormont started.

The last day of life as a recruit. I'd woken up and considered everything from submitting to slitting my own throat. The seventeen short years of my life seemed to have gone so fast. I was now standing on a precipice-I could fall, jump or step back. Tonight, I would speak the vow of the Night's Watch and seal my fate away in a box. Jon, Sam and Grenn sat behind me. I dug my fingernails into my palm and tried to forget. "You came to us rich, and you came to us poor. Some of you bear the names of proud Houses. Others only bastard names or no names at all, it does not matter. All that is in the past. Here, on the Wall, we are all one House."

I felt someone staring at me, and turned around. Slate grey irises met them. I looked away again. I was too tired, too cold and too unhappy to look at him right now. It wasn't that I was angry with him, but he was the reason I was here and throwing my life away. My running off to join the Night's Watch had been pointless really. I'd have been miserable as a Septa, I was still miserable now. I tried to concentrate on what the Lord Commander was saying, but what with all the whispering coming from behind me, I could barely hear him. "You're allowed to look happy," Sam whispered. "You're going to be a ranger. Isn't that what you've always wanted?"

"I want to find my Uncle. I know he's alive out there. I _know _he is," Jon muttered.

_Isn't anyone tryin to find me?  
Won't somebody come take me home?  
It's a damn cold night  
Trying to figure out this life  
Won't you take me by the hand  
Take me somewhere new  
I don't know who you are  
But I... I'm with you  
I'm with you_

"I wish I could help you, but I'm no ranger. It's the steward's life for me!" '_Yo ho ho_,' I thought sourly. I liked Sam but he was seriously getting on my nerves.

"Is there honour in being a steward?"

Not much really. But there's food." Thankfully they shut their faces at this point, so I could hear Mormont.

"...Here, you begin anew." He walked down the steps slowly, as if trying to get us to understand the impact of this. "A man of the Night's Watch lives his life for the realm. Not for a king, or a lord, for the honour of this house or that house, not for gold, or glory, or a woman's love, but for the _**realm**_! And all the people in it. You've all learnt the words of the vow. Think carefully before you say them. The penalty for desertion is death." I shivered then, and you can be sure it wasn't from the cold. There was a power in his voice, almost like a fierce animal stirring from the depths of sleep. It half-frightened me, half-awed me, but anyway. "You can take your vows here, tonight, at sunset. Do any of you still keep the old gods?"

I stood up, and heard Jon stand up behind me. "I do, my lord," he said. I mumbled something similar.

"You two will want to take your vows before a heart tree then, as your Uncle did, Jon?" I nodded. Jon spoke.

"Yes, my lord."

"You'll find a weirwood a mile north of the Wall-and your old gods too, maybe."

To my utter amazement, Sam stood up, too. "My lord? Might I go as well?" he asked, shaking slightly in his furs.

"Does House Tarly keep the old gods?" Sam shook his head.

"No, my lord. I was named in the light of the Seven, as my father was, and his father before him."

"Why would you forsake the gods of your father and your House?" snapped Alliser Thorne. Sam swallowed.

_I'm looking for a place  
I'm searching for a face  
Is anybody here I know_

_'Cause nothing's going right  
And everything's a mess  
And no one likes to be alone_

"The Night's Watch is my House now, and the Seven have never answered my prayers-perhaps the old gods will." Thankfully, Thorne said nothing more about it.

"As you wish, lad," the Old Bear answered, not unkindly. "You've all been assigned an order, according to our needs and your strengths," he continued. "Halder, to the builders. Pyp, to the stewards. Toad to the builders, Grenn to the rangers, Samwell to the stewards, Matthar to the rangers, Dareon to the stewards, Baleon to the rangers, Rast to the rangers, Jon to the stewards-"

I knew Jon's mild expression would probably be one of shock and anger right now. I chewed my lip. What could I do? Jon wasn't one to be calmed down easily when he was really pissed off. "Rancer to the builder, Echiel to the builders, Gordo to the stewards, Niko to the rangers, Escan to the rangers, Vorkoy to the builders, Joby to the stables, Mink to the kitchens, Allo to the builders, Nelugo to the rangers, Liam to the rangers-may _all_ the gods preserve you."

Great. Just to add insult to injury, I was a ranger and he wasn't. I may as well have poured a whole barrel of salt into a deep laceration.

**Jon**

If you took all of the most embarrassing, shocking happenings in your life and added to it one hundred pints of anger, you would have how I felt in that single moment. Lyara was sitting so still that it was as if she had been struck by lightning. She turned to face me as everyone stood up. "Jon, I-I-"

"Leave it," I snarled hollowly.

"Rangers, with me," Jaremy Rykker called. As soon as she left, I wanted to take the words back. How could I have done that? It wasn't her fault. I hadn't snapped at Grenn. Why had I snapped at her?

_Isn't anyone trying to find me?  
Won't somebody come take me home?  
It's a damn cold night  
Trying to figure out this life  
Won't you take me by the hand  
Take me somewhere new  
I don't know who you are  
But I... I'm with you  
I'm with you_

The other stewards stood by the stairs leading up to the dais in the castle courtyard, where Maester Aemon was being led. I joined them bitterly. "Samwell, you will assist me in the rookery and library," he announced pleasantly, in the wavering voice of an old man. "Pyp, you will report to Bowen Marsh in the kitchens. Luke, report to One-Eyed Joe in the stables. Dareon, we are sending you to Eastwatch. Present yourself to Borcas when you arrive-make no comment about his nose." I stood on the edge, unmentioned as of yet and fuming. "Jon Snow? The Lord Commander Mormont has requested you for his personal steward." Fantastic! That made everything much better. I wasn't only a maid; I was the Old Bear's maid.

"Will I serve the Lord Commander's meals and fetch hot water for his bath?" I asked, heavy on the sarcastic joy.

"Certainly. And keep a fire burning in his chambers, change his sheets and blankets daily, and do everything else the Lord Commander requires of you."

"Do you take me for a servant?" My voice was filled with venom.

"We took you for a man of the Night's Watch. But perhaps we were wrong in that."

"May I go?"

"As you wish."

I stormed off to get supplies. I wasn't sure where I would go but I was going, right now. Damn Ser Alliser! Damn him to the deepest of the Seven Hells and the worst of tortures! I began to shove various food items into a bag. If I was leaving, I wasn't going to starve as well. "Jon, wait! Don't you see what they're doing?" cried Sam, catching up to me.

"I see Ser Alliser's revenge, that's all! He wanted it and he got it!" I hissed. "Stewards are nothing but maids. I'm a better swordsman and rider than any of you! It's not fair!"

"Fair?" Pyp's voice rang out, and I realised just how childish I sounded, even in my rage. "I was singing for a high lord at Acorn Hall when he put his hand on my leg and he wanted to see my cock. I pushed him away and he said he'd have my hands cut off for stealing their silver. So now I'm here; at the end of the world with no-one to sing for but old men and little shits like you! I'll never see my family again. I'll never be inside a woman again. So don't tell me about fair," he growled. I was rendered completely speechless. He'd never told anyone...I suddenly began to feel rather small. I'd lashed out at people who'd treated me with kindness in my silly self-centred anger. Lyara...gods knew how she felt if Pyp was this exasperated with me.

_Oh why is everything so confusing  
Maybe I'm just out of my mind  
Yeah-he-yeah, Yeah-he-yeah, Yeah-he-yeah, Yeah-he-yeah, Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!_

_It's a damn cold night  
Trying to figure out this life  
Won't you take me by the hand  
Take me somewhere new  
I don't know who you are  
But I... I'm with you  
I'm with you_

"I thought you were caught stealing a wheel of cheese for your starving sister," Sam wondered out loud.

"Of course I was going to tell a bunch of strangers that a high lord tried to grab my cock."

"Could you sing me a song, Pyp? I'd like to hear a song." Pyp shook his head and walked away, embarrassed. Sam turned back to me, and gave me the steeliest look he could manage (which would have made a useless sword-it was about as hard as silk). "Now listen to me. The old man is the Lord Commander of the Night's Watch. You'll be with him day and night-yes, you'll clean his clothes, but you'll also-take his letters, attend him at meetings, squire for him in battle...you'll know everything, be part of everything. And he asked for you himself! He wants to groom you for command."

I thought about this a moment and realised how stupid I'd been. He wanted me for the next Lord Commander? But still... "I just...I always wanted to be a ranger," I sighed.

"I always wanted to be a wizard," Sam confessed, an awkward smile on his face. I burst out laughing. A wizard! "What? No, I'm serious! So you'll stay and say your words with me and Liam?"

**Lyara**

We were just getting back from our celebratory hunting trip, during which we'd managed to get quite a lot of game and greens for the table tonight. I rode the spirited bay stallion that I'd more or less claimed for my own now (though our relationship was a grudging one), and Grenn rode Copper. The mare had whickered at me as soon as I'd walked into the stables, but Grenn had taken her to tack-up first. It made me sad to think about it. Copper had been Orla's horse. She was my only real connection to home and I'd forsaken her.

"Cheer up, Liam! We'll get a decent meal tonight," Grenn smiled enthusiastically. I hadn't really thought about it but my shoulders were drooping and I was bent over my horse's reins. I smiled back weakly. I couldn't take joy in what Jon was missing out on, pathetic though it was.

_Take me by the hand  
Take me somewhere new  
I don't know who you are  
But I... I'm with you  
I'm with you_

Take me by the hand  
Take me somewhere new  
I don't know who you are  
But I... I'm with you  
I'm with you  
I'm with you...

I stayed with the other rangers only for as long as I had to, and then I fled to the safety of my quarters, holding back tears. I didn't notice Jon and Ghost were already there when I flung open the door and threw myself onto the bed, waiting for the real sobbing to start. That was when he put his arms around me. "I'm sorry," he murmured. Ghost jumped up on the bed and licked my face. "I shouldn't have gotten angry with you. You did nothing to deserve that, Lyara." I didn't even reply. Instead I hugged him tight, holding onto him and not letting go.

"I-It's fine. You were upset, and everyone gets upset sometimes," I mumbled. Of course, that didn't mean to say that I wasn't royally pissed off with him for taking it out on me, but in a few hours my heart would be barred from his for the rest of my life and if I wasted these last few precious moments I could never get them back. Ever. It wasn't fair-but life wasn't fair. Everyone had to play its twisted games with all the pitfalls and burning pitch. And once, if you were lucky, you got a few seconds of love and happiness that you had to grab by the horns and not let go till they fell off.

So I did just that, and kissed the man I loved.

He didn't try to pull away. All he did was kiss me back, hard. When we broke off we both had to catch our breath. "I wish we didn't have to be apart," he sighed.

"Nothing we can do about it now." Our lips were still so close. I loved his lips. Full and soft and smooth, and, other than his arms, one of the only real things I knew nowadays when all the world left me. Jon was my soulmate. This knowledge alone was enough. But knowledge wasn't a kiss, or a hug, or a tender stroke of my hair. Knowledge was not warm, nor did it love. It just was.

And what if I wanted more than that?


	3. Shocked

I don't own Game of Thrones or A Song of Ice and Fire. I apologize to the few people who read this for not updating in so long!

Chapter Two

**Lyara**

If life was a book, with different chapters and volumes for each person, what would it be? A thrilling adventure, with twists and turns and new, exciting places and friends around every corner? A beautiful love story, with the most unlikely people finding each other despite questionable odds? Or a dark tragedy where tears are shed, where things fall apart without warning, where we lose and love and lose all over again? If I had to pick, I can't honestly say that I could. Life falls into no specific category and neither do the people who live it.

As I walked through the thick snow, it seemed almost like an omen-a blank page, fresh, innocent. A contrast to the shadows and secrets that darkened every moment of my life now. 'Just breathe, Lyara. In, and out, in, and out,' I thought. 'If you're breathing, it means you're all right.' It was a lie, and not even a comforting lie, so I bit the inside of my cheek hard to keep quiet. Blood oozed from the ripped flesh, tasting of rust, of sweetness long since gone. Soon enough, none of this would mean anything anyway.

This I was beginning to accept. Slowly.

The mile we had to walk went by in seconds, it seemed. Lady Destiny was all too eager to break the ties that bound Jon and I together. The weirwood towered before me, like that ironwood had all those years ago. I lowered my eyes to my boots to avoid looking at it. The less I thought about things like that the better off I'd be. Having already ravaged the inside of my mouth, I chewed my lip, concentrating solely on the pain while Ghost loped off into the woods to hunt, presumably. And then, it was time.

Time to let go, Lyara.

Time to let go...

Let go.

Just let go.

So I knelt.

"Hear my words, and bear witness to my vow. Night gathers, and now my watch begins. It shall not end until my death," I started, in time with Sam and Jon. The next sentence I said very, very quietly. "I shall take no husband, hold no lands, bear no children." Each word was another nail in the new walls around my heart. "I shall wear no crowns and win no glory. I am the sword in the darkness. I am the watcher on the walls. I am the shield the guards the realms of men. I pledge my life and honour to the Night's Watch, for this night, and all the nights to come."

All the cold, empty nights. It wasn't much to give. "You knelt as boys. Rise now as men of the Night's Watch." I had to fight to get to my feet, but as soon as I did Sam swept me up in a bear hug that crushed the breath from my lungs. I almost fell backwards onto the ground when he let me go, and I managed to wheeze out a laugh, the smile not quite reaching my eyes. I accepted handshakes and hugs from the officials-carefully, carefully, as to make sure they didn't feel the shape of my body too much, even though I was so careful to flatten my chest right down with strips of linen. I couldn't breathe sometimes, but what else could I do? I had no choice. Jon seemed almost wary of touching me. His own eyes were guarded, vague. I grieved for our lost bonds, as I felt them slip away, one by one. But he stepped forward and pressed me to his chest briefly. As he let go, I thought I heard him whisper something.

"Goodbye..."

My attention was captured, however, by Sam's cry of surprise. "What's he got there?" Jon knelt down again.

"To me, Ghost. Bring it here," he ordered. The white direwolf trotted to his master obediently, and dropped the...what was it? I focused on it, and then recoiled in disgust.

"Gods be good!" Sam and I swore at the same time. It was a human hand! I swallowed my gorge quickly, not wanting to be violently sick here. Later, perhaps, if I still needed to, I'd find a private spot. A spare cloth was produced and the dismembered hand wrapped in it and carried gingerly.

I sat in the hall later that night, with my friends, ignoring the food in front of me. "We worked hard for that," Grenn complained. "You're not eating anything." He was beginning to annoy me. It wasn't even a cover-up now; my stomach was really beginning to roll sickeningly.

"You can have mine. I'm not hungry," I replied. He brightened at that and took my share in the blink of an eye, before I changed my mind.

"You aren't speaking, neither." I shrugged it off.

"I think I will go and get an early night. I have watch duty tomorrow morning." Jon stood up with me.

"I will too. Goodnight, everyone," he grinned.

I was out before he was, and still much, much faster even though my heavy clothes weighed me down. The wind and snow whipped around my face. So frantic was I to escape that it blinded me from seeing the ice, and my legs slid out from under me like a gangling newborn foal's. My hands went out to break my fall on reflex and I skidded across the courtyard, helpless, sightless, and utterly alone. I gasped for breath desperately. My palms burned from the stone. Nonetheless I rose, panting, and ran again. I had to get away! Jon was gaining on me, and as he reached out to grab my wrist I slipped again and this time I rolled into the steps of Hardin's Tower, hitting the back of my head so hard the edges of my vision greyed for a moment and knocking the breath from my body. Wetness seeping through my hair alerted me from my daze-I groaned, and when I felt where the wood had made contact with my skin, it came away slick, pure crimson with blood. I sat in the snow, confused, staring at the blood on my hands, feeling searing pain tear through my head. I closed my eyes and Jon took a step in my direction. "Lyara."

"No. It's only blood. It's absolutely nothing to worry about." Jon shook his head angrily, decided to ignore me completely, and in one swift motion, picked me up and put me over his shoulder.

"I'm taking you to Maester Aemon. No complaints."

"Fine," I mumbled groggily.

I gave up and obeyed this order, even as Castle Black's Maester stitched the deep gash on the back of my skull. My nails dug grooves in my palm so deeply I was sure I was going to break the skin but I kept my word and didn't whimper once. Even as Jon left and cast one last glance at me, I merely smiled at him tiredly.

Gods knew, that took some doing.

**. . . . . . **

Later on, I was curled up on my bed, when I felt the waves of sickness come back. I couldn't even try to focus on something else; my stomach heaved and I had to snatch the chamber pot just in time before I retched and my empty system turned itself inside out disgustingly. I hadn't even eaten anything today! The gods seemed to have it in for me. Unless...no, it wasn't possible. It couldn't be possible. After all, hadn't my red flower been blooming? I _couldn't _be.

But I began to think over some other things that had happened lately. I'd been so tired, most of the food on my plate I wasn't eating because for some reason I didn't like it anymore, my breasts were very swollen and aching, and I had to piss, all the damned time. So, as I thought about these things, my mind started to race. It had been almost seven weeks now since Jon had taken me to bed. Seven weeks.

And that had been the last time my moon's blood had come. "No..." I whispered. No, I couldn't be, I couldn't be, it was impossible! There was no way, _no possible way_ I was...

Pregnant.

Short chapter-I just wanted to finish on that note. So, what's Lyara going to do now?


End file.
